Fiona Patten:

Wet Politics

World’s first nude pictorial with the boss of a national political party!

The division over ‘wets’ and ‘dries’ has engaged political pundits for many years. In modern political history, a ‘wet’ was originally said to be anyone who opposed the fiscal policies of the Iron Lady, Margaret Thatcher. However the term was also used to describe those who opposed the prohibition of alcohol in the USA in the 1920s. By default, the prohibitionists were ‘dries’.

With the advent of the Australian Sex Party in 2010, there’s now a third definition. ‘Wets’ are political spunk rats. They’re the rare pretty face in the otherwise ugly business of governing the country. Fiona Patten, the President of the Sex Party is definitely a ‘wet’. Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott are ‘dries’. National Party members are parched and that Senator Ron Boswell is just a living ‘drought’!

Fiona Patten likes to get wet whenever she can. As a precocious 14-year-old teenager she was part of a US pre-Olympic swim team. In the 1997 Masters Games she cleaned up seven swimming medals. “I’ve always had an affinity with water”, she says. “If it gets me wet, I’m into it”.

Fiona formed the Sex Party in an effort to stop bastard wowsers from running the country. Kevin Rudd, Tony Abbott and Julia Gillard all wanted to censor your internet and wag the finger over other moral issues. They all supported spending hundreds of millions of dollars on brain-dead chaplains in public schools and they all refused to let homos or lezos wear a wedding ring!

“With all the child sex abuse around in the churches these days, you’d think politicians would try and find non-religious counsellors to teach these courses”, she says. “Politicians should just stay out of people’s bedrooms and leave people to enjoy their sexuality as they want. Their job is to make sure that the garbage and the taxes are collected, that there’s a bed in the local hospital if you get sick and that we don’t all perish from a nuclear bomb. None of this has anything to do with our private morality”.

At the last federal election, the Sex Party came in fourth in the national Senate vote, when averaged out across all states. Not bad for a virgin political party – although there weren’t many virgins actually in the party.

Fiona missed out on winning a seat in the Victorian Parliament, at that last state election, by only 3,000 votes! How close was that? “We’ll give Tony Abbott and Julia Gillard a few things to think about at the next federal election” she says. “We’re a political party that’s just starting to get hard.”

The Sex Party wants politicians to stop interfering in women’s rights to have an abortion and also wants to see more wet spunks in the parliament. “Just look at the tired old suits that make up most parliaments”, she says. “They’re not representative of my group of friends and most people I know cannot relate to politicians as real people. We need more young people and we need more women”.

People also have to look behind the faces that they see on the TV. “Who would have thought Angry Anderson would join the pro-censorship prudes in the National Party? Who would have thought a rocker like Peter Garrett would have spent $250 million on getting chaplains into government schools? When you see a politician on TV or in the newspaper, remind yourself that 40% of them are highly religious and have been pre-selected with their moral views front and centre”.

Being a true wet, Fiona thinks the war on drugs is unwinnable and wants to decriminalise drugs for personal possession. “Most politicians are happy to knock back a few martinis or sip chardonnay at some toffy cocktail party but they are completely intolerant of someone smoking a joint or taking a little ecstasy. Australia now has 70% of its prison inmates incarcerated for drug offences. It’s completely mad. Australia is not going to fall apart if marihuana is legalised.”

Fiona is a big fan of Hustler’s publisher, Larry Flynt. “I met Larry at an adult industry awards night in the US a few years ago and he is one of the world’s greatest civil libertarians. His actions have upheld freedom of speech for many groups including feminists and even the rights of religious groups. He shows real guts in the face of ignorant judges and politicians, telling them to get stuffed to their faces. When you’re facing a 20 year jail sentence for upholding your rights to free speech, that takes a lot of courage.”

We’ll tick Fiona’s box whenever we see it – whether it’s on a ballot paper or on the pages of Hustler. And we want all Hustler readers to do the same.

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